Aren't I Annoying?

When I'm bored or procrastinating or trying to remain calm, I clean. I organize.
Yesterday I organized my blog. Again.

Sorry to those of you who pop in and make a frustrated noise when you discover that I've changed things AGAIN. To those of you who like what I've done - Thanks, I try.

I would like to remind all of you about the blog I started this spring with my friend gasybeans. She and I both enjoy writing, (even if we're slack about posting what we write). I have updated, and I'll try to do so more often and encourage her to do the same. We do have busy lives, however, so promises are only as good as the motivation behind them. The link is here: Sketchy Scribbles

Well. Let's see...

I slept in. What is this new business of staying up all night and then sleeping all morning? I never understood it when my sister was going through this phase, perhaps because my teenage years were spent in anxious depression. Fwah. Whatever. I need to write a paper, and reader, the thought is both demoralizing and scary. My poor professor; I promised to have the draft done byThursday for him to critique. I think we all know that didn't happen.

It's time to get up. I have a rather productive day to get going on, although part of me doesn't want to wake my roommate. (She can sleep for ten hours or more at a time; I am in awe.)

I wish you all a cheerful Saturday (oh God, it's homecoming, isn't it? Crap. For those that don't know, Homecoming in an American tradition involving football, lots of university alums, alcohol, and food. And loud music.) It might be evil of me, but I hope the rain continues.

Oh, I'm going to pay for that comment karma-wise.

Whoops.
WolfGrrl

My Life as a Yo-Yo

I swear, there are times in my life where I feel like a yo-yo.
I go from being hostile enough to combust to sitting in tears.
I bounce between grief and laughter. Peace and pain.

Ugh.
However, I seem to be in the peaceful phase right now.
It's a nice place to be.
At peace.

WolfGrrl

The Pack

Today I did not want to get out of bed.

I state this in the conspiratorial tone of a confession; I am somewhat ashamed of my inability to control my baser laziness. But, something told me when my alarm went off at 5:30 AM that it wasn't going to be a productive day.

So far, it hasn't been. I am feeling harried and chased, as though my responsibilities have grown teeth and a cruel inclination to follow me wherever I go. I attended my morning classes with a sense of discombobulation that has been elevated slightly by friends, the arrival of an unwelcome guest, and chocolate. The fact remains, however, that I have obligations that are now demanding my attention.

I hear you, yowling at me from my books, my computer, the silent walls of a judgmental library. I hear you. Fine. I'm on my way.

WolfGrrl

So Marshmallows...

Grrrr.
I shouldn't complain: my roommate's notoriously picky mother likes me. But she managed to buy a food that has had the same impact on me as Nutella. Oh dear.

Are you ready for this? It is such an American product (lol). The item is basically dried mini-marshmallows used for decorating cakes, cupcakes, etc. I have eaten half the jar between 10 AM this morning and 1:30 PM.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaa. 

That aside, my delightful boyfriend (manfriend? No, that sounds creepy. But he's hardly a boy at twenty! Well, whatever) has written me a poem. Surprise poem! And after I failed to wake up this morning in time to talk to him. Sadness.

It has been a busy day. Starting off with a nightmare, then realizing I missed my alarm, washing my hair (always a task), eating marshmallows, being attacked by chipmunks, reading for class in class, paying attention in class and having fun (who would have thought that I LIKE learning about international defense systems and policies?), lunch in the room with my roomie, and more marshmallows.

Hi. I had a lot of sugar. But no fat. Nyah-nyah.

WolfGrrl

My Diet According to M

According to my boyfriend I eat:

Cake
Salad
Cheerios
Fruit
Granola.

The sad things are, he lives half-way across the world, and this is my diet.

WolfGrrl

Rice

I dislike being drowned and then steamed while trying to go to class.
Next time, I'll stay in bed rather than attend to my education.
I am not rice. Don't cook and steam me.

WolfGrrl

Looking for Happiness

There are some things that make Mondays depressing (yes, even in college). But, usually something swings around and I can laugh off my sulk and turn my face up to the rain. Here are some things I noticed today that made it wonderful:

Making my boyfriend smile
Chocolate M&M cookies in the dining hall
Lunch with my roommate
Fascinating lecture topics
The Heath Ledger look-alike in class
Laughter
Walking
Cool air and a breeze
Waking up refreshed
Clean hair
Choosing the right shoes for the rain
Smiling

What are some of your happy things?
WolfGrrl

Advice Skills

I wish I was better at giving advice. Part of the reason I feel that I don't contribute as much to others' lives is that I'm not so good at either giving or asking for advice. I don't know if I should work to develop this skill, or not.

As I grow older I realize that everyone has problems. Everyone suffers, some more vocally or publically than others. I am a judgmental person. I don't intend to be; I don't go out into the world with the idea of comparing myself to others. It happens, less so than it used to, but it still happens. That I am working to mitigate. I don't want to derive pleasure from making others seem small, even if the shrinking process is only in my mind.

Maybe one day I'll be able to ask for advice and apply it, rather than just listening to it and then doing what I think is best. As I've said before, my best choices have occurred when I followed my instincts or asked for help.

I also have trouble following my own advice. Most of what I know I've learned through trial and error, aka personal experience. No, I've never caught and killed and eaten a fish (my sister has though). I've never been in an automobile accident, or a personal trauma. I'm ordinary, and moderately functional. Yay me! (Yes, I do celebrate little things.)

A friend of mine from overseas recently came to visit, and she had each of us write some words of advice in a book for her to keep. They could be useful, funny, bizarre, or downright disturbing bits of advice; the point was, it gave her something to connect to us. The idea made me think and now I'd like to try a slightly different version of that.

I know a lot of you don't leave comments (most of you, I believe, read, nod, laugh or frown, and move on with your lives). But if you have a moment, or you find yourself particularly inspired, please leave me a piece of advice in the comments below. I promise to read, keep, and try to apply them to my life!

In the meantime, here are some of mine:

- If you look good, you'll feel OK
- Celebrate the small things
- Always be polite and prompt(ish)
- Write your paper a week before it's due, ignore it for two days, then edit it
- If the guilt outweighs the pleasure, don't do it
- Traffic lights are perverse; you can't win against them so don't try
- Failure is a good motivator
- Driving on the wrong side of the road isn't a good idea
- You'll always make a mistake within the first three attempts
- Ask yourself what kind of person this choice/action would make you
- Have faith (the type is up to you)
- Just keep walking, no matter how cold, dark, or alone you feel
- Look at the stars sometimes
- Go for walks
- Naptime is not just for babies
- Music is good
- Factor in travel time

WolfGrrl

Head Against the Wall

Banging my head against the wall today.
I don't know why things seem to be difficult; maybe it's my mood.
Maybe it's because I'm resisting the urge to scarf down sugary things.
Maybe it's the atmosphere on campus.
Maybe it's just a Down Mood.

Go away, go away. I don't want to be afflicted with bad moods today.

WolfGrrl

WolfGrrl is...

Some of you may remember when I took the "What is my Daemon" test about a year ago. Since then I've changed quite a bit, moving in a more balanced direction. I decided I wanted to take the test again (I will post the link for curious readers). Read on to find out who/what WolfGrrl is. I was pleased. (My boyfriend is less so, because he's slower than me about answering questions, haha.)

"In a way, you are a truly balanced person. You have a good sense of self, but you also have periods of worry and self doubt. You don't like to be alone alot; nor do you like to be constantly surrounded. You are shy in some situations and bold in others. You can tell people how you feel, but you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. You aren't 'too' anything: too shy, too aggressive, too extroverted, too introverted. You are, at any given time, any combination of these things.

"You tend to adapt to the situations in which you find yourself. With some people you are quiet and sensitive; with others, you're loud and boisterous. People tend to perceive you as they want to perceive you and sometimes they are surprised when you behave in a way that's different from their perception. Some people might even idealize you. Does anyone know the 'real' you?

"Your daemon would represent your multi-faceted and ever changing personality, as well as people's tendency to idealize you. He would become angry when you're calm, serene when you're ruffled, and always be the voice of reason and emotion in your ear.

Suggested forms: Swan, Koala, Panda, WOLF"

Here's the link: http://helloquizzy.okcupid.com/tests/the-golden-compass-daemon-test/

EDIT: My boyfriend got the EXACT SAME RESULT. There was no sharing of the information during the test.

WolfGrrl

Free Agents and Love

How do you protect the ones you love? Obviously, the quick answer is that you can't. The world is bigger, louder and meaner. So why are we driven by these incredible urges to protect those we consider 'ours?'

I don't know the answer to this question and it's not only causing me to re-evaluate how I view my parents, but how I view myself. Good Lord, being an adult isn't easy, but this seems to extend beyond boundaries of age or gender.

I want to be a child, with a child's ability to find an authority figure who'll take care of me. Yeah... That's not gonna happen anymore. I take care of myself. I allow others to take care of me.

I love my friends. I love my boyfriend. This world ain't so bad a place, but... But. Sometimes it is mean. Sometimes people are mean, and you can't know why.

Is there a message in this post besides my wanting to be a child? I don't know. (Apparently, there are a lot of things I don't know. Joy.) Maybe my message, my thought-for-a-day, is to be kind. To be attentive. To be fierce in the defense of those you love.

I cannot stand between my loved ones and the world. I can defend them, I can fight for them, and I can talk them down from a ledge or a bad decision. How do you balance love and protection? In my mind, they come together. The only problem is, too much of either one and suddenly I'm at risk.

I make choices. I am a free agent. So is my boyfriend. So are my friends. We all make choices, good, bad, ugly or lucky. When I remember that, it makes me feel calmer. When I think about our agency, our ability to change our lives and directions, I don't feel so helpless.

In Political Science we're learning about the danger of generalizing. I like generalities. I like labels. They make my world orderly, and I LOVE orderly worlds. But the world isn't orderly or general. (Stupid dichotomies.) The world is the world, etc. So that makes me...me. A free agent of the world.

Who else wants to be a free agent? It's a bit like going for a tethered hot air balloon ride. You fly...to a point. I'm connected to friends and family by love. What a strange, wonderful, confusing emotion it is! I think you'll know it when you stumble over it. If I was going to write The Greatest Novel of All Time (no Reader, my ego isn't quite that big) I'd write it around the myriad variations of love. I think it's the most fascinating topic of all.

It sure fascinates me.

Dios mio
WolfGrrl

La-Da-Da-Da-Daaaaaaa

I have no idea why that came up. Perhaps because I just finished baking. With, erm, chocolate.

Today is Friday, readers, and we all know what that means. No homework is being done tonight, I assure you! I am off with some friends to welcome the weekend and avoid the assignments that come with Monday morning. We're young and free and living off our benevolent parents; we can goof off now and then.

So, let me celebrate off my extra cookie-weight by dancing around at midnight in the (possible thunderstorm) or staying up until dawn for a chatter-session with friends and too many movies. We've got The Hunger Games and Beauty and the Beast lined up for tonight.

It's gonna be awesome.
Have yourself a happy Friday.

WolfGrrl

Yup

Falling in love is wonderful...and scary as hell. But I sure wouldn't trade it for perfect grades, a million bucks, or world peace.

This is my boyfriend and me. 

Three guesses who's who.

WolfGrrl

The Little Engine That Did

Yesterday afternoon, as I was vegetating, I happened upon a graduation speech given by two men whose comedic work I've admired for the past year. They mentioned, among other things, the arrival of the graduates in a world called "Reality."

Their speech got me thinking and, (typically), I had an epiphany about eighteen hours later as I was lying in bed letting my thoughts wander.

I feel that I have found my place in the world. Despite my recent worry that I don't know what I'm doing (it's normal, but that doesn't make it less terrifying), I do think that I've found what most people set out into the world looking for. I have arrived.

My arrival is rooted in the love I have for my boyfriend; the laughter I share with my friends; the support I seek from all of them and the lessons we teach one another. I am more open; I share more of myself with the world. I try. Trying is 99% of arriving, folks. This little engine finally made it over the top of the mountain.

It's interesting for me as an anthropologist to be studying the social constructs of 'Self' and 'Other' and realize just how definite my thoughts on those are. I am a 'Self.' I see 'Otherness' as the interactions between selves. Bumping into others, learning from or about others, causes one to define a view of oneself as A or B or X.

I am a 'Self.' For a long time I was an 'Other' even to myself (there's a metaphysical tangle for ya). But this Little Engine chugged along, not very fast and not very smoothly, until magically it arrived at the top of the mountain and found a nice, gently curving line of track.

The hard part is over, everyone. I hope you'll celebrate with me. I have found a family that will stay with me for as long as possible. I have found people to love, who love me undeservedly and unreservedly.

I did. You can too. I hope this realization gives you as much lift as it's given me.

Adios,
WolfGrrl