Judgmental Jane

I prefer deliberate insults to thoughtless ones. It's difficult to yell at someone for being thoughtless.

I am, at heart, a selfish person. I judge quickly and while I often rescind these flash judgments, that doesn't change the fact that I make them. I know that I'm judgmental. I know that I need to work on it.

Today's example is case-in-point: my roommate took a shower before informing me that my laundry was finished. It's irritating that she didn't tell me my laundry was finished so that I could set it to dry, clearing the washer for her laundry and limiting the time where we'd both need the drying racks. I spent forty minutes grinding my teeth and puttering because she annoyed me. Maybe I need a sign that says 'Doesn't play well with others.'

I haven't explained this well. I'm also having one of my hyper-active-and-thwarted days, where I throw myself into cleaning and tidying in an effort to avoid thinking. Thinking about what, I'm not sure, but I know my avoidance methods.

Did I say that I like school breaks? I do, when I have some sort of routine to follow. (Make my own? You crazy person, what kind of suggestion is that?!)

I can't go to the gym. Nothing is open because it's a holiday. My boyfriend is busy/not answering texts. My friends and family at home as busy with their lives. I really need a job. Or a pet. Ugh.

Well, there's no sense in being sulky. It's such a beautiful day - there's no reason to waste it being a brat.  I am waiting for my sheets to dry and then I can make my bed. Surely I can entertain myself for an hour or so. I'm a big girl, after all.

I don't want to be a big girl. I want something to do. 

WolfGrrl

Happy Normal Things

Thank God for school breaks. They make me a better person.

As we approach Easter weekend and the week-long holiday associated with it, I find myself in a very zen place. I feel like a balloon: light enough to float above all my problems and fears and up high enough to see them for the molehills they are. Mountains are reserved for national parks and skiing. 

I feel so...peaceful. Oh sure, minor things crop up like dropping my book while on the stationary bike or tripping over a pile of dirty clothes and (nearly) maiming myself, but since I've finished my first batch of assignments and talked to all my lovelies (both in NZ and the US), I'm happy. 

One area that has contributed to my languid happiness is clothing. In the US, I have many hang-ups regarding size (I think most people will agree they do too) that make it hard to be comfortable while shopping for clothes. Here, I can't be bothered to worry about what size it says on the jeans because a) I haven't a clue what the size difference is between countries, b) I've never before bought clothes in NZ and c) it's all expensive. I find myself jettisoning (or planning to jettison) clothes I've struggled to let go of for years and replacing them with things that fit who I am now, not who I was. 

A second contributing area is books. I love to read; I love it so much, I become a zombie. I disconnect from the world when I have a book in my hands. My boyfriend finds it annoying, as does anyone trying to get my attention. (I wouldn't notice if the flat burned down, to be honest. It's that bad. Or good.) Getting my local library card was like getting the keys to every toy store in the world: I have been a happy, busy bee this week as I plow through the first bag of books I hauled home. 

A third area is Weather. I hate the rain. I hate being cold, I hate being damp. I hate when it's humid and I hate when it's broiling. I love sunshine and breezy air, the smell of leaf mold (JK, although I do think that's the smell we identify as 'autumn') and the crispness of fall mornings. The weather this week has been fantastically gorgeous; warm during the day and cool at night. (I sound so bipolar right now, complaining about the changeable NZ weather in one post and praising it in another. LOL.) But, really, who doesn't love gorgeous scenery set off by beautiful weather? Every time I walk from the university to my flat I see the hills rising in the distance and start humming "The Sound of Music" theme song. 

I am lucky. So, so lucky. I am loved, I am pampered, I am strong and I'm smart(ish). And I get to do things that are absolutely amazing! I get to read book after book in puddles of New Zealand sunshine while calling my friends on Skype to tell them about my lack of stress (and about how much I miss them). And my beautiful boyfriend is talking to me. I love that most of all. (I'm such a romantic sap. And it takes so little effort to get me there. Sigh.) 

Now I want to go to sleep. My neck has cramps. 

WolfGrrl

20 Things Different

Hi everybody.

Now that I've been overseas for roughly three months, I thought I'd write a little post about things that I've noticed about New Zealand. If most of them are things that annoy me, well... Let's not go into that.

Right, off we go.

1. They use real sugar, not corn syrup.

2. Coins can actually be used to buy things. Like food. And books.

3. There is no turning right on red. Or more accurately, there is no right-hand-drive equivalent to turning right on red. (Primitives.)

4. You can buy alcohol everywhere. Liquor and lollies are cheap and easy to find.

5. The Weather. I change my clothes six times a day. 'Nuff said.

6. $26.00 a kilo for limes. WTF? I don't want that many limes...

7. There is no such thing as a crosswalk. Or rather, there is ALWAYS such a thing as a crosswalk.

8. The wildlife is oddly loud. And antagonistic.

9. Stupid EFTPOS machines. I spend so much time verifying that I am myself.

10. These people are too energetic for me. I feel like a slug. (I am a slug.)

11. It costs more than God can afford to pay. And that's with a decent exchange rate.

12. My friends are noticeably NOT PRESENT. Three thousand miles, pshh.

13. You can buy beer/wine at the movies. Shocking... (This should go under #4.)

14. Dan Brown is considered good literature.

15. It's called a Cashpoint, not an ATM. I fail.

16. I wear a size 3 shoe.

17. Not enough babies in my life. Except for that one party...

18. I have to convert everything.

19. I am still far away from my boyfriend.

20. Everything needs to be turned on twice. Even my computer.

Dunedin Hills

I haven't got any kind of personal profundity to record here today, except to note that making cookies with Cadbury drinking chocolate is a bad idea. They are too, too, TOO sweet. And I only ate the crumbs. Bleh.

I consider myself settled here on the other side of the world, yet no matter how quickly I've become accustomed to right-hand drive, military time and the addition of 'u's in all my words, (colour, favourite, etc.) this place just doesn't feel like home. Obviously, it feels more like home that the uni does, or Auckland airport, but there is overall a lack of something I can't easily identify. What to call this unnamed quality that haunts me even in sleep... If you think of a name, let me know. I'm stumped.

How is it the end of March? A year ago I had moved back home and was declaring a second major as I considered starting anti-depressants. In a little under a month, I will be celebrating one year with the man who still makes me laugh, smile, sigh and cry. I'm blessed, that's for sure. And he is too, hehe.

I'm definitely not who I used to be, and I'm grateful for that. I'm a lot less awkward, a bit less dramatic, and a nicer person. I'm definitely not jealous of the old me; how unhappy she was, and then how very very happy. (Ok, I might be a teensy bit jealous, but only because reliving the first few weeks of a new relationship would be a nice one-year gift.) So what's with the melancholy?

I've discovered, in the past few years, that I like to think out loud. It helps me solve problems and gives me a chance to hear some of my thoughts out of their mental context. I've also discovered that other people see my problems more clearly than I do. Not exactly rocket science, but it's a baby step.

Sometimes I feel like life is similar to the Dunedin hills: on clear days, you can see past three or four sets of hills and on misty days even the hills right within the central city are hidden from sight.

If that's not profound, then I'm not bored.

Yeah, I have no idea either. But I tried! We all have odd days...
WolfGrrl

Tombstone Tickets

I swear, these Air New Zealand tickets are going on my tombstone. They can fly my dead body to Wellington and back at the end of April, for I'll have committed hara kiri by then.

Let this be a lesson in over-preparing: I booked too soon, let me rue the results.

(I'm making too much out of this, but ugh. I think I'll take the hit on the money and just go with it.)

WolfGrrl

Only Human

I am a pair of eyes that finds wonder in you;
I am a jigsaw of smiles and tears;
I am the soul that glows when you're near
And the hands that would lift every shadow from your face.

I am imperfect, only human -
Often incoherent, often incomprehensible.
I am not magic, but flesh and blood;
I bleed, I cry, and I laugh for you.

I am sorry for being human,
But humanity is what I have to offer;
Humanity and an open mind
And a hesitant heart that loves too fiercely.

I can't promise mountains and rivers of gold
Or perfect happiness in every moment
But I will try -
I'll try and not count the cost.

That's what love is, I guess:
Not counting the cost of words and deeds,
But weighing that cost
As though tomorrow depends on it.

I don't fight with big actions, but small ones;
I struggle too, to find my way.
It's so new, this world we've built
And so terrifyingly fragile.

I don't want to break it.
But I also don't want to break.
After all, I'm
Only human.

I Want To Go Home

I want to go home, but I don't know to which home.

I have a home in the States, with my parents, sister, dog and cat. And I have a home with my boyfriend, whether he's in Wellington, Auckland, or on the moon.

I don't know which home I want, because wherever I am, there I'm not.

While I don't think I'll ever be too old to crawl in my mother's lap and demand a hug, I want to crawl into my boyfriend's arms and have him banish my sadness.

I miss the insane cat and my stuffed animals. I miss my friends at home. I miss my doctors, and the normality of a system that I understand. I miss...my life.

I like it here; I'm not miserable being here. It's just that my ability to self-sustain is cracking, a little.

I want my Max. I want my Mommy.
I can't have either right now, and it sucks.

WG

Big Girls Don't...Waffle?

I don't mean the kind of waffles that can be burned. I mean the verb 'to waffle' or to remain indecisive.

Obviously, the first flaw of my title is that everyone is indecisive. Being abroad has given me a new perspective on myself and how I function; this is excellent news for personal growth, and a bit disquieting for personal security. I'm changing and I'm not sure I can handle it.

Recently, I've been doing some thinking about what I want, what I like, and what makes me happy. School, which for a long time was the main constant in my life, no longer excites or enthralls me. I enjoy attending lectures and absorbing new information, but I have less inclination to do assignments and assessments than ever before.

It's annoying, really, to feel mildly guilty about being a slacker while doing other things that are more fulfilling, like cooking, cleaning (yes, I'm weird) and talking to people. I can't decide if this is my life balancing itself out, or if I'm losing it.

I don't really feel like I'm losing it. I'm happier than I can remember being (waffling aside; maybe that should be my constant. I can't accept stability and contentment without wondering what I'm not doing). I'm sleeping better, eating better, and generally feeling better. I look ahead to the future with anticipatory joy. So why the feelings of mid-education-life crisis?

God only knows. Really. I have a few guesses, a few theories, none of which are coherent enough to be aired in public. Part of my growing-up experience is trying not to judge myself (and others) quite as harshly as I used to. It's working, but with the disadvantage of leaving me without a means of measuring myself. Even unhealthy habits are reassuring; losing them, or changing them, is unsettling.

I don't like to think that I'm prone to giving up. I've seen what I can manage when I stick to my guns. I've also felt regret for missed opportunities. I save those for when I feel pitiful and abused. A good pity-fest usually disgusts me enough to negate those regrets.

Now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, yes, waffling. My boyfriend likes to say that I always have a choice, and in a technical sense, he's right. I could decide not to finish my education and just go ahead and find a job. But, I was raised in a society and a household that value education as security for the future. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, and I do want to be able to have fun without counting every penny. Education gives me options. Every girl needs options.

Ugh. Maybe I have too many options. (Isn't that counter to what I was just saying? Nevermind.)

I guess what feels like waffling is in fact, me growing up. I'm weighing personal happiness and instant gratification against immediate Ehhh-feelings and long-term security. I'm all about security, though less so than I once was. And now I'm also about personal happiness.

There isn't any reason why the two can't be mutually inclusive. Obviously, part of being happy is being secure, and for someone like me, being secure makes me very happy.

Maybe waffling is a good thing; it encourages self-reflection, and that's always a good thing. I like knowing myself better. I like being predictable (only to myself, though. Mystery is an excellent trait to cultivate).

I know what will make me happy in the short-term: finishing this silly history assignment (700 words? Pfff I could write that in my sleep) and some lunch.

Cheers!
WolfGrrl

What About Them?

What about those moments of absolute terror and despair that strike you from nowhere? What about those, huh? I know I'm not the only one that has them. 

When I told my mother that I didn't want to disappoint her and my father by not going to graduate school, I thought I was going to be sick. In the US, school is considered to be of the utmost importance and a good education is seen by many as a gateway to a better life - to the "American Dream." 

Folks, the American Dream has air quotes because it's a myth. It isn't the American Dream we need to be chasing, but our own.

I don't want to continue my formal education. I love to learn, but not when it comes to regimented, assessed and cemented knowledge. I like to learn from people who are passionate about what they're teaching. I like to engage with minds greater than my own. I believe that I learn all the time, whether I'm buying shoes, getting ripped off, or talking through a problem with a friend. I don't think formal education will prevent me from making mistakes: it might, in some strange way, encourage me.

American society has raised its children to be so terrified of failure that we cannot imagine a future that deviates from the most vocally advertised path. So many of my friends are beating themselves bloody trying to 'get ahead' and forge a career that will make their parents, their society, and their culture happy.

Forget them. Make yourself happy.

I suck at it too, you know. I'm completely guilty of telling myself I 'should' be this or I 'should' do that. Now I'm calling bullshit (sorry) on that technique. The rest of the world, while it has its share of societal  and cultural fuckwittage, manages to produce more confident and secure individuals than the US.

Americans, don't give me crap about this; you know it's true. You see it in our economy, our military-industrial complex and our foreign relations. We chase the American Dream to the exclusion of progress, creativity, personal growth and personal happiness. We work too damn hard to be so damn miserable.

I want to be a person that makes other people happy (and makes a decent living). Is that such an impossible dream? SERIOUSLY? I want to watch my kids become happy, well-adjusted and mature individuals with a sense of communitas. Is that such an impossible dream? I want to love my husband, be there for my friends and herd my family together when we scatter.

Pooh Bear is a bear of very little brain, but often there's wisdom in that little brain. What makes his adventures so comforting is that he manages to learn and grow without losing himself. WE DON'T WANT TO LOSE OURSELVES, yet everything we do drives us further and further from who we think we are. A person can only make so many compromises before the deal loses meaning (mixing my metaphors; oops).

Listen to Christopher Robin, who, with the wisdom of childhood and the affection of an honest friend, told Pooh:

You're braver than you believe
Stronger than you seem and
Smarter than you think

So am I. So are you. So are the dreams you nurture in the shadow of the "American Dream."
Chase those dreams, dammit. Life's too short to spend time on cultural fuckwittage.

WolfGrrl

Other than Ordinary

I've never considered myself anything other than ordinary (daydreams and revenge fantasies aside). However, as I experience more of the world and I meet more of its denizens, I've come to realise something.

I like to make people smile. And I'm pretty good at it.

Maybe that's two things.

When I was asked what superpower I want to have, I said I wanted the power to make everyone I meet happy. It seems silly, but it really is what I want to do with my life. I get so much pleasure from helping others help themselves, and from brightening other people's days. I like to give them the absolute best I can, and I like to make them laugh.

I'm selfish and morose and flawed; I'm not perfect and I don't want to be. But, there can't be this many nice people in the world. Aren't people supposed to be self-serving and judgmental? (Yeah, there are a few of those wandering around. Stay away from me, please.)

I don't love a lot of people. That's just my nature.

I love the saying "If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours." It's a little thing to make such a big difference. I feel like a three year-old bestowing trinkets on passing adults.

"And a smile for Mommy, and a smile for Daddy. And a big smile for Max, and for my friends at home and the guys in my History tutorial who didn't seem fazed by my overly-caffinated self."

Wut.
WolfGrrl

Mmmm... Oops

It's been too long.

I haven't any excuses except the usual: I'm busy with classes and exploring New Zealand.

However, my flatmate and I collaborated to make a very delicious and very New Zealand dinner, so I thought I'd share the recipe with you, readers! It's very easy to make and takes a total of twenty minutes (ten if you're a person who can use a can opener properly).

Recipe for the Preparation of CORN FRITTERS and FRUIT SALAD

Corn Fritters

ingredients: 1 egg, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup plain flour, 1 can (creamed) corn, a pinch of salt and pepper, 1-2 tablespoons of water to thin and some oil for frying.

preparation: in medium bowl mix egg, baking powder, flour and seasonings with water. This should form a thick paste (about the consistency of pancakes, maybe a bit thicker). Add corn and mix well.

In pan on stove heat 1-2 tablespoons vegetable oil (on low or medium heat). Add dropped spoonfuls of batter to oil. The fritters cook depending on size; for silver-dollar fritters wait 1-2 minutes before flipping them. Generally, follow the rules for making thick pancakes. Fritters should be browned on the outside and fluffy on the inside.

Eat with toppings of choice, and feel free to add extras like vegetables, bacon, or other ingredients to the batter!

Fruit Salad

Even special people like me can make fruit salad (excepting the use of a can opener). After mangling your can of peaches/pineapple/pears/whatever open, pour off juice and transfer fruit chunks to bowl. Add chopped banana, apple squares, grapes, and other fresh fruits to taste. Eat messily and with gusto.

Bon appetit, mes amis!
WolfGrrl