All Suns Set

I feel a little like my sun has set.

Not forever, but definitely for this time. I am learning to adjust my life to my love's absence; it's more difficult than I thought it would be. He came for so brief a time and managed to make himself a part - the center - of my world. Going through that world without him feels wrong. Off balance.

I'll be all right, never fear. It's not unpleasant, this balancing act I'm relearning, but it is melancholy. I didn't expect sharing my life - my whole life - with another person to be so simple. So easy to achieve. I am no longer singular; I am one half of a pair. I'm not sure what I feel about this, except that when I am with him the world is brighter, funnier, more in every way.

I guess this is what the poets call Love. Funny, it doesn't seem like an illness to me. Rather, like basking in the sun only to find yourself in the shadow of a cloud. The exquisite warmth he brought is gone; I am as I always was, but now I want more.

I know all suns set, just as I know all clouds pass. But I am selfish. I want to sit in the sun forever. I want to be warm forever. I want him forever. I don't think the sun will set on us.

WolfGrrl

Little Lost Kitty

To the friends who thought I would make a good military wife: we were all wrong. I am struggling to maintain a happy (or at least pleasant) demeanor now that my boyfriend is on his way across the world. It's not that our situation is particularly harrowing; I will see him again in four weeks. But out of seven months, I had him for nine wonderful days.

I always wondered what I would feel when I found someone to love. Well, driving home from the airport Wednesday night, I found out. I can drive home on autopilot, blind from tears, and not have a wreck.

I sent him home with a smile and a wave.
WolfGrrl

Offline

I have been offline enjoying my boyfriend. Be back in a week.

WG

Princess du Jour

Today is a wonderful day, and not many people feel that way about Mondays.
For those of you who have no idea what goes on in my life, today concludes the first part of my fairytale.

Today, I meet my boyfriend for the first time.

I'm sure you're all staring at the computer screen trying to figure out where the typo lies; after all, can this man be my boyfriend if I've never met him? Let me point out that this happened even before globalization and technological advances; people have been falling in love through letters for centuries. I am just modifying the old technique for a new era. And while the ride has been fantastic, I have my eyes and heart fixed on the future, not the past.

I have been so focused on school, work, and getting my life together that for the past week I haven't had time to really examine how I feel. But this iconic Monday marks the end of my work time and the beginning of my play time. For ten days - ten days, Reader! - I get to laugh and play and wonder as we learn to fit into each other's lives. I have never chosen someone to be so close to me. I am an accommodating soul, yet for the first time someone has given me what I've always wanted and never had the courage to ask for.

I see a relationship (and a friendship, to a lesser extent) as a convenant between two people to put one another first. This doesn't work quite like it sounds; coming first means knowing when to step away if the other person needs time alone, or knowing when to step up if the other person needs help. Putting someone else first is an incredible commitment, and for a long time I never thought I'd find a person to make that commitment to me.

Finding this man makes me understand that it isn't a sacrifice to put someone else first. Usually it means making both people happy; finding a balance, finding happiness. I love to make others happy; I love to make my boyfriend happy. (I also like to make him laugh, which doesn't always make him happy.)

I'm so nervous, but it is overpowered by my joy. Normally, I feel joy like an all-consuming flash flood of emotion that lifts me too high and brings me down with a crash. This joy is like sitting in a pool of sun, baking my bones and letting all my burdens melt away. I feel like a princess. (According to him, I am a princess, hahaha.)

Today is a wonderful day. A magical day. A day where an ordinary couple take up the mantle of a fairytale couple. Today I am a princess, and my prince is on his way to me.

Except to hear the about how I tackle him in the airport.
WolfGrrl

Why I Love Cats

Since 'Why I Hate Raisins' was such a success.

I have a confession to make.
I love cats.

Our current cat had the misfortune of being incorrectly named for a female; despite reverting to the proper sex, he remains 'Bella' to the household (and occasionally 'It' when we become frustrated with pronouns).

As I write this post, the misnamed he-cat is sitting on his cat tower by the window chewing off his toe claws. He is very fastidious about maintaining his weaponry, which include an enormous set of fangs, lethal talons and a presicent presence. This is a cat that hunts his humans...when he's in the mood.

I am in love with this cat, like the rest of the household. But his presence has had the interesting effect of making me more appreciative of cats in general. I have always been (due to my quiet, stationary nature) the seat of choice for Cats That Hate Humans. Don't ask me to explain the allure - I guess, since I leave them alone they choose not to leave me alone.

Bella has produced in me an unholy desire to be chosen by a cat. Perhaps it is because he's sometimes more doglike than catlike; what other cat sits like a meerkat when his nose is telling him something interesting? What other cat begs for food no matter how recently he's been fed? What other cat destroys things by chewing them apart, greets his humans upon their return and chases balls, paintbrushes, rubber ducks, and everything else in the house?

Having finished with his toe maintenance, Bella-cat is now having a bath. His penchent for cleanliness led to me christening him The Presence, because every time you touch him he washes himself - to remove human germs.

This cat also chases his tail. Family members who live here know this, but for those of you who don't, Bella-cat will sometimes see his tail as new and exciting (or a threat) and proceed to try and eat it. This involves much rolling around in the middle of various full-sized beds, feet in his mouth and body contorting like he belongs in Cirque du Soleil.

It's never dull in this house. Between the dog chasing the cat away from my mother, my father and sister tormenting the cat, and various things getting eaten/destroyed/lost we no longer claim to be a quiet family.

WolfGrrl

The Longest Week

This has been the longest week of my life in recent memory.
My boyfriend will finally be here Monday evening, and I can't even enjoy the anticipation because I am earning my free evenings from three months ago.

One. More. Day.
One. More. Day.
One.
More.
Day.

And then I can spend my weekend working. But at least it will be the weekend.

Yeah.
WolfGrrl

Colonizers of Dreams

Today, we honor those who gave their lives in defense of this country. We admire their spirit and hold them in memory. Whatever your politics, whatever your opinion, let us pass no judgment on the dead.

Today we honor those who give their lives in defense of this country. We admire their spirit and hold them in prayer. Whatever your religion, whatever your opinion, let us pass no judgment on the soldier.

Today we remember the reason we are free. Ideals are a good thing; we should all aspire to them. But let us not, in our aspiration, forget those whose ideals have been forged in places, times, and moments very different from our own. It is tradition to raise a glass to the victorious dead.

There is no victory in death, but the assurance that you have done all you can do and given all you can give. If we are to be all that we can be, we must remember with sadness those whose blood keeps us ignorant and shallow and free and promise that they did not die in vain.

There is victory in life, in getting up again and again to do the job you were told, asked, or volunteered to do. Do not force your ideals upon another; share them instead. There is healing in conversation, in listening and being listened to.

Too often we hear the phrase 'this nation is built on a dream.' But what is a dream if one cannot shape it into reality? Acknowledge the hands that have shaped our collective dream, for better or for worse. Tear no one down out of love or fear.

The passing of judgment is not for any of us in this world. There are no such things as perfection or neutrality. By all means, seek these traits as ideals, but don't expect the world to conform to your inner dream unless you're willing to do what it takes to make that dream a reality.

Remember the dead.
Smile at the living.
Do not condemn the colonizers of dreams.

WolfGrrl

Almost Haiku

Slept until ten.
Must be a record.
No, that would be
the day
That I slept until noon.

Working with children
is a humbling
Experience
that happens to give you
a backache.

My feet
are no bigger than those
of an
Australopithecus
named Lucy.

Eight days more
and I'll never
survive
the wait and the cold
hands.

When faced with writing
a paper or two
it seems that I write
poems
and not haikus.

My mind is such a weird place to be sometimes.
WolfGrrl

Why I Hate Raisins

I have a confession to make.
I hate raisins.

I hate them, hate them, HATE them. Grapes are delicious; I eat them as often as I can. But something goes wrong once they shrivel and ferment into wrinkly alien pod creatures. Every time I see a raisin in my granola it makes me think I've found a dead bug. And that's off-putting, to say the least.

What is a raisin, anyway? As far as I can tell, it's an vacationing grape that didn't put on sunscreen and developed wrinkles. I like to throw these food-tourists at squirrels. Sometimes I throw them at my friends to start a fight.

It's not as though I've never seen a raisin before. My father eats them often, usually in cereal or yogurt. They are a standard snack for the children I babysit, and my friends often ate them in primary and secondary school.

I...didn't. For no apparent reason.

It's funny to think about, but there's another kind of cereal that I 'filter,' even if it's for a different reason. Since I don't want to be guilty of product placement, I shall call this cereal Brand X. Brand X cereal comes with little marshmallows in it; I pick these out, to my friend's eternal frustration.

I guess I just like to filter things. I pick the raisins out of trail mix; I pick the peanuts out of cans of mixed nuts. I color code my chocolate candies; I make concentric designs on my cakes. When given a random collection of items, I invariably sort them, by shape, color, size, taste, or unknown preference.

I discriminate against raisins in a negative way. I discriminate against my food. It shouldn't make me laugh, but it really does. I hate raisins. They are wrinkly bugs in my salty granola.

I guess the next question should be, why do I eat bug-filled, salty granola?
I have no idea, honestly. It's a habit I've mostly kicked. But not completely.

Let's add that to the list.
WolfGrrl

The Bed Fiasco

Yes, I really did do this. By accident, if that makes me less of an idiot. But I did dye my bed a very bright blue. Sigh.

Anyway, here's how.

1. Bake a birthday cake.
2. Decorate the cake with blue food dye when you run out of colored frosting.
3. Place the decorated cake on your bed.
4. Open the cake keeper.
5. Do not clean off the bed before cutting the cake.
6. Try to keep slices of cake, plates, and junk from falling off the bed.
7. Drop slice of cake frosting-side down on the bed.
8. Swear loudly in three languages.
9. Panic.
10. Attack the bed with Clorox wipes and make the stain bigger.
11. Panic.
12. Give up and change the sheets.

You have now dyed your bed blue.

My sympathies.
WolfGrrl

November Thoughts

There is something in my mind today, rather as there is a taste of winter in the air when I open the window. My dreams were anxious despite what I would describe as a relatively peaceful setting. As I called my boyfriend for our early morning/late night Skype date, my roommate roused herself and left to make an anxious doctor's appointment. My thoughts are on her now, as I sit and write this post in our empty room. I hope your mother isn't driving you insane, sweetie. But she can't help it, you know that. Mothers are...another breed entirely.

It's a funny old world.

Not long now before my boyfriend joins me here; I miss him every day, the kind of ache like an old bruise that you accustom yourself to feeling. It's new for me, finding solace in others. I've always been, for better or for worse, a singular person. How incredibly strange and different it is to ask for - to actively solicit - affection. Help. Love.

I am better with words. I can write reams and reams of words where I hesitate to make a gesture. But I've learned something, in this funny old world. Making gestures gives me more satisfaction that I ever thought it would. I find a deep, humming peace in wrapping my mother or best friend in a hug. I desperately want to be able to put my head on my boyfriend's shoulder.

Don't get me wrong, words are still important to me. But they aren't as cheap as they used to be. When I leave a comment on another's art memorial, I feel the comment. I think I'm beginning to see that gestures and words aren't opposites, as I always assumed, but rather aspects of a greater whole. Ha, that sounds so pretentious. What I mean is, gestures deepen the words on a page. Knowing what a hug feels like adds depth to reading a description of one. Understanding longing and desire makes sympathizing with desirous characters easier.

Time is moving so slowly this morning. We changed our clocks yesterday, much later than we have in the past. I have ten minutes before I need to leave for class, but I woke this morning panicked that I'd missed my roommate's wedding and my class.

I wish I could remember these peaceful, quiet days of introspection when I'm feeling scattered and afraid. Now there's a useful skill. But I am only human, bound to make mistakes, to judge, and to turn my face away.

Oh, one more thing. I have chocolate chip cookies for all my friends.
WolfGrrl

My Boyfriend's Life

Hehehehehehe.

WolfGrrl