I love the film Tangled. Rapunzel is not my favorite fairytale, nor am I universally fond of Disney films. But I adore that film. I really do.
I love the stars. I love the way they sparkle, they way they peep down on us and the way they provide a constant source of wonder, hope, and delight. And right now I just feel as though the world is worth celebrating.
No, it's not Friday. It's not a holiday, or a weekend, or a day off. It's an ordinary school day, an ordinary work day. And yet...and yet.
If I was going to pick something completely random to celebrate, I'd celebrate the culture of inspirational videos and images that has sprung up on the internet. I love watching Susan Boyle sing for the first time on Britain's Got Talent; it reminds me how small we all are, and how large we can loom when we dare to try. I'm sure there's a reason we call celebrities 'stars.'
The sky is gray, my roommate is suffering computer issues, and my boyfriend and father are continents away. And yet...and yet.
There are stars, from the plastic fluorescent one on my dorm ceiling to the burning balls of gas millions of lightyears away. There are friends, dreams, presents, kisses, hugs, cakes and videos, messages and funny jokes to keep me smiling.
Smile! It's addictive. And watch the stars. It's soothing.
WolfGrrl
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
Week of Welcome
Week of Welcome is a tradition at my university honoring the freshmen (or first-year) students. Events, speakers, games and prizes are all part of the WoW agenda, but I rarely attend given how much I dislike crowds.
This year, my WoW experience is turned more onto my dear friends, some of whom I haven't seen in person for three or four months! I want to welcome my lovely roommate Giggles back to campus, and welcome all the new friends we're sure to find in our (eek!) grown-up classes. I guess I should welcome my classes, otherwise they'll put a curse on me for excluding them from my anticipatory joy. Yes, even you, scary PWAD 350 course. Welcome.
And that's really all. I'm late for my bus (yup, definitely back at school).
Adios, all!
I'll update when I can.
WolfGrrl
This year, my WoW experience is turned more onto my dear friends, some of whom I haven't seen in person for three or four months! I want to welcome my lovely roommate Giggles back to campus, and welcome all the new friends we're sure to find in our (eek!) grown-up classes. I guess I should welcome my classes, otherwise they'll put a curse on me for excluding them from my anticipatory joy. Yes, even you, scary PWAD 350 course. Welcome.
And that's really all. I'm late for my bus (yup, definitely back at school).
Adios, all!
I'll update when I can.
WolfGrrl
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
The Things That Still Hurt
Isn't is weird how some things long in the past can still sting like the wounds were fresh?
I'm grateful to be blessed with a rotten memory; as I grow happier in my Now, I tend to forget the cringe-worthy events of my Then. But there are some things no one ever really forgets, and even in my happiest moments these things spring up and surprise me.
Jealousy. Lord, I live for the day when I stop being jealous (my odds are not good on that, but whatever). There are people I'm jealous of for reasons that make my heart hurt. And yet, the sting is there every time I interact with these people.
Grief. I haven't had much experience with grief and grieving, but there are two things that make me sad (and one is most definitely not the film Titanic). Loss is a bit different from Grief, but it follows a similar path. Consequently, there are things I have Lost that I mourn.
Regret. Oh, I have a thousand regrets. Friends I abandoned, relationships I struggled to maintain or end, associations I can't seem to shake.
Shame. Oh yeah. Awkward childhood moments, old views of the world, old views of myself - the list is long. I'm working on not being bitter, but it's a work in progress.
Sometimes I feel that others judge me for being happy. I have a bad track record, admittedly, but I'm frustrated at times because I want others to be happy for me instead of questioning my happiness. It's a novelty for me, remember. I'm still learning how to function in the world of optimism. Don't think that because I've learned to smile and mean it I've forgotten the things that still hurt, the people I've left behind or the memories that haunt me.
I haven't.
WolfGrrl
I'm grateful to be blessed with a rotten memory; as I grow happier in my Now, I tend to forget the cringe-worthy events of my Then. But there are some things no one ever really forgets, and even in my happiest moments these things spring up and surprise me.
Jealousy. Lord, I live for the day when I stop being jealous (my odds are not good on that, but whatever). There are people I'm jealous of for reasons that make my heart hurt. And yet, the sting is there every time I interact with these people.
Grief. I haven't had much experience with grief and grieving, but there are two things that make me sad (and one is most definitely not the film Titanic). Loss is a bit different from Grief, but it follows a similar path. Consequently, there are things I have Lost that I mourn.
Regret. Oh, I have a thousand regrets. Friends I abandoned, relationships I struggled to maintain or end, associations I can't seem to shake.
Shame. Oh yeah. Awkward childhood moments, old views of the world, old views of myself - the list is long. I'm working on not being bitter, but it's a work in progress.
Sometimes I feel that others judge me for being happy. I have a bad track record, admittedly, but I'm frustrated at times because I want others to be happy for me instead of questioning my happiness. It's a novelty for me, remember. I'm still learning how to function in the world of optimism. Don't think that because I've learned to smile and mean it I've forgotten the things that still hurt, the people I've left behind or the memories that haunt me.
I haven't.
WolfGrrl
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Crisis Management
I always wondered if I'd inherited my mother's ability to manage a crisis. This weekend, I had my chance to find out.
I arrived home from a four day trip to DC to discover my parents at the hospital and the house a mess. Everyone is fine now, but things were pretty tense there for a while and I found myself thrown into the position of telephone operator, cook, housekeeper, and surrogate parent/caregiver.
It was an interesting 48 hours, with my sister being stricken ill in the wee hours of Monday morning and neither parent home to tend her. But I finally learned the answer to my long-unspoken question: Will I be able to cope in crisis?
Yup. Hey, I even managed to make a full meal for four in under two hours. For those of you who've never tried it, pie crust is a pain in the butt to make...but worth the inevitable cursing and crying.
Oh. And I love my boyfriend. He stayed with me all night, made sure I slept, and generally refused to let me fall apart. Thank you, darling. I try to look at everything as training for the future, and I know I can count on you to be there for me, no matter what (or where).
And think of the benefits! You get a Crisis Management team that also makes pies! Hehehe.
WolfGrrl
I arrived home from a four day trip to DC to discover my parents at the hospital and the house a mess. Everyone is fine now, but things were pretty tense there for a while and I found myself thrown into the position of telephone operator, cook, housekeeper, and surrogate parent/caregiver.
It was an interesting 48 hours, with my sister being stricken ill in the wee hours of Monday morning and neither parent home to tend her. But I finally learned the answer to my long-unspoken question: Will I be able to cope in crisis?
Yup. Hey, I even managed to make a full meal for four in under two hours. For those of you who've never tried it, pie crust is a pain in the butt to make...but worth the inevitable cursing and crying.
Oh. And I love my boyfriend. He stayed with me all night, made sure I slept, and generally refused to let me fall apart. Thank you, darling. I try to look at everything as training for the future, and I know I can count on you to be there for me, no matter what (or where).
And think of the benefits! You get a Crisis Management team that also makes pies! Hehehe.
WolfGrrl
Monday, August 6, 2012
A Life Worth Living
It's 10:30 at night and I have managed to break my keyboard and lose my chance at the bathroom. Wonderful. Maybe I should take a hint and go to sleep.
As I sit here pondering random things like cake fondant, Wacom tablets, toilets, and the color red, it occurred to me that I have a little story to share with the world.
As you all know, I spent many years being depressed and anxious (and finally anorexic) without really knowing why. The more I look into these things, the more I begin to understand that there is a physiological reason for my misery, and a chemical reason why my meds have worked so well, so quickly.
The human brain produces all kinds of chemicals that control different, vital functions. I was born lacking the chemical responsible for self-soothing. There's evidence of this (which I've only recently put together) that goes back to when I was an infant. I find Psychology and the human mind fascinating; if it weren't for Chemistry (and Biology) I'd probably be a Psych major at school. I am genetically and environmentally disposed to anxiety, but the lack of the chemical serotonin amplifies ordinary anxiety into a debilitating problem.
I can remember years where I wasn't motivated to do anything; the only reasons I did accomplish anything were routine, force of will, and guilt. It's difficult to describe being completely disengaged from the world, because I'm not sure many people understand how severe it is. Imagine viewing everyone and everything from behind a layer of glass; you can hear others, see others, and interact with others - to a point. But they lack almost all understanding of you, and you of them. Ah, my metaphors are no good tonight. Suffice to say, people who cannot self-soothe lead very rough lives due to being under constant, high levels of stress. My father is a perfect example of this, and four months ago, so was I.
I would like to take this moment to speak to people who happen to read this blog and who might be depressed. I'm sorry for you; not because you can't handle what you've been given, but because you have a long, hard road ahead of you and the work never ends. But let me mention, (lest you think I support giving in to depression), that it DOES get better. I promise it does.
There's a saying floating around in therapists' offices and groups: Build a life worth living. Overcoming depression is a choice and a fight; the first few steps are incredibly difficult, and almost impossible to take alone. I hope that you are blessed with friends and family who don't let you shove them away; I know I am. These people, so stubborn and so convinced of the good you can't see in yourself, are the true heroes of any fight against depression. They haul you up because - difficult as it is to believe - there is something good in you that you can't see; you're not worthless, not hopeless, not lost or broken.
I lack the ability to calm myself down. I'm a reluctant drug user, but sometimes there is such a thing as "better living through chemsitry." (Never thought I'd say those words, haha.) Please don't be afraid to try the medicines available to you; despite the constant propaganda about drug companies and unnecessary drug use, these medicines were developed for a reason. You are that reason. I am that reason. Anyone whose life is improved, even the tiniest bit, is the reason for all that research.
To the people who I used to be, wherever you are, whoever you are: we hear you. The world hasn't abandoned you; you aren't alone. There is something more than darkness, than sadness, than misery. You'll have to find a way to take your first step that works for you; I don't even remember mine. But the work and the fight are worth the effort...as I am reminded every single day, in thousands of ways.
Do not give up, do not give in. Build a life worth living. Find one thing you love, like, or laugh at. Just one thing.
Just keep looking.
WolfGrrl
As I sit here pondering random things like cake fondant, Wacom tablets, toilets, and the color red, it occurred to me that I have a little story to share with the world.
As you all know, I spent many years being depressed and anxious (and finally anorexic) without really knowing why. The more I look into these things, the more I begin to understand that there is a physiological reason for my misery, and a chemical reason why my meds have worked so well, so quickly.
The human brain produces all kinds of chemicals that control different, vital functions. I was born lacking the chemical responsible for self-soothing. There's evidence of this (which I've only recently put together) that goes back to when I was an infant. I find Psychology and the human mind fascinating; if it weren't for Chemistry (and Biology) I'd probably be a Psych major at school. I am genetically and environmentally disposed to anxiety, but the lack of the chemical serotonin amplifies ordinary anxiety into a debilitating problem.
I can remember years where I wasn't motivated to do anything; the only reasons I did accomplish anything were routine, force of will, and guilt. It's difficult to describe being completely disengaged from the world, because I'm not sure many people understand how severe it is. Imagine viewing everyone and everything from behind a layer of glass; you can hear others, see others, and interact with others - to a point. But they lack almost all understanding of you, and you of them. Ah, my metaphors are no good tonight. Suffice to say, people who cannot self-soothe lead very rough lives due to being under constant, high levels of stress. My father is a perfect example of this, and four months ago, so was I.
I would like to take this moment to speak to people who happen to read this blog and who might be depressed. I'm sorry for you; not because you can't handle what you've been given, but because you have a long, hard road ahead of you and the work never ends. But let me mention, (lest you think I support giving in to depression), that it DOES get better. I promise it does.
There's a saying floating around in therapists' offices and groups: Build a life worth living. Overcoming depression is a choice and a fight; the first few steps are incredibly difficult, and almost impossible to take alone. I hope that you are blessed with friends and family who don't let you shove them away; I know I am. These people, so stubborn and so convinced of the good you can't see in yourself, are the true heroes of any fight against depression. They haul you up because - difficult as it is to believe - there is something good in you that you can't see; you're not worthless, not hopeless, not lost or broken.
I lack the ability to calm myself down. I'm a reluctant drug user, but sometimes there is such a thing as "better living through chemsitry." (Never thought I'd say those words, haha.) Please don't be afraid to try the medicines available to you; despite the constant propaganda about drug companies and unnecessary drug use, these medicines were developed for a reason. You are that reason. I am that reason. Anyone whose life is improved, even the tiniest bit, is the reason for all that research.
To the people who I used to be, wherever you are, whoever you are: we hear you. The world hasn't abandoned you; you aren't alone. There is something more than darkness, than sadness, than misery. You'll have to find a way to take your first step that works for you; I don't even remember mine. But the work and the fight are worth the effort...as I am reminded every single day, in thousands of ways.
Do not give up, do not give in. Build a life worth living. Find one thing you love, like, or laugh at. Just one thing.
Just keep looking.
WolfGrrl
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Ahem
May we forever be lovers,
May we forever be friends,
And should we hurt each other,
May we quickly make amends.
May we enjoy our passion,
But never let compassion die,
Thinking in selfless terms as We,
Never emphasizing I.
May we forever be soul-mates,
May our love eternally last,
May the food of love sustain us,
May we never have to fast.
May we use each other's strengths,
When we are feeling weak,
May we both learn to compromise,
And always as one voice speak.
May we never keep dark secrets,
May we never tell each other lies,
May we both work unceasingly,
To ensure our love never dies.
Clive Blake
WolfGrrl
Friday, August 3, 2012
Future Thoughts
They are on my mind as I think about money, careers, countries...
Emilie Autumn
Jordan Cecil
WolfGrrl
Emilie Autumn
Jordan Cecil
WolfGrrl
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