Judgmental Jane

I prefer deliberate insults to thoughtless ones. It's difficult to yell at someone for being thoughtless.

I am, at heart, a selfish person. I judge quickly and while I often rescind these flash judgments, that doesn't change the fact that I make them. I know that I'm judgmental. I know that I need to work on it.

Today's example is case-in-point: my roommate took a shower before informing me that my laundry was finished. It's irritating that she didn't tell me my laundry was finished so that I could set it to dry, clearing the washer for her laundry and limiting the time where we'd both need the drying racks. I spent forty minutes grinding my teeth and puttering because she annoyed me. Maybe I need a sign that says 'Doesn't play well with others.'

I haven't explained this well. I'm also having one of my hyper-active-and-thwarted days, where I throw myself into cleaning and tidying in an effort to avoid thinking. Thinking about what, I'm not sure, but I know my avoidance methods.

Did I say that I like school breaks? I do, when I have some sort of routine to follow. (Make my own? You crazy person, what kind of suggestion is that?!)

I can't go to the gym. Nothing is open because it's a holiday. My boyfriend is busy/not answering texts. My friends and family at home as busy with their lives. I really need a job. Or a pet. Ugh.

Well, there's no sense in being sulky. It's such a beautiful day - there's no reason to waste it being a brat.  I am waiting for my sheets to dry and then I can make my bed. Surely I can entertain myself for an hour or so. I'm a big girl, after all.

I don't want to be a big girl. I want something to do. 

WolfGrrl

Happy Normal Things

Thank God for school breaks. They make me a better person.

As we approach Easter weekend and the week-long holiday associated with it, I find myself in a very zen place. I feel like a balloon: light enough to float above all my problems and fears and up high enough to see them for the molehills they are. Mountains are reserved for national parks and skiing. 

I feel so...peaceful. Oh sure, minor things crop up like dropping my book while on the stationary bike or tripping over a pile of dirty clothes and (nearly) maiming myself, but since I've finished my first batch of assignments and talked to all my lovelies (both in NZ and the US), I'm happy. 

One area that has contributed to my languid happiness is clothing. In the US, I have many hang-ups regarding size (I think most people will agree they do too) that make it hard to be comfortable while shopping for clothes. Here, I can't be bothered to worry about what size it says on the jeans because a) I haven't a clue what the size difference is between countries, b) I've never before bought clothes in NZ and c) it's all expensive. I find myself jettisoning (or planning to jettison) clothes I've struggled to let go of for years and replacing them with things that fit who I am now, not who I was. 

A second contributing area is books. I love to read; I love it so much, I become a zombie. I disconnect from the world when I have a book in my hands. My boyfriend finds it annoying, as does anyone trying to get my attention. (I wouldn't notice if the flat burned down, to be honest. It's that bad. Or good.) Getting my local library card was like getting the keys to every toy store in the world: I have been a happy, busy bee this week as I plow through the first bag of books I hauled home. 

A third area is Weather. I hate the rain. I hate being cold, I hate being damp. I hate when it's humid and I hate when it's broiling. I love sunshine and breezy air, the smell of leaf mold (JK, although I do think that's the smell we identify as 'autumn') and the crispness of fall mornings. The weather this week has been fantastically gorgeous; warm during the day and cool at night. (I sound so bipolar right now, complaining about the changeable NZ weather in one post and praising it in another. LOL.) But, really, who doesn't love gorgeous scenery set off by beautiful weather? Every time I walk from the university to my flat I see the hills rising in the distance and start humming "The Sound of Music" theme song. 

I am lucky. So, so lucky. I am loved, I am pampered, I am strong and I'm smart(ish). And I get to do things that are absolutely amazing! I get to read book after book in puddles of New Zealand sunshine while calling my friends on Skype to tell them about my lack of stress (and about how much I miss them). And my beautiful boyfriend is talking to me. I love that most of all. (I'm such a romantic sap. And it takes so little effort to get me there. Sigh.) 

Now I want to go to sleep. My neck has cramps. 

WolfGrrl

20 Things Different

Hi everybody.

Now that I've been overseas for roughly three months, I thought I'd write a little post about things that I've noticed about New Zealand. If most of them are things that annoy me, well... Let's not go into that.

Right, off we go.

1. They use real sugar, not corn syrup.

2. Coins can actually be used to buy things. Like food. And books.

3. There is no turning right on red. Or more accurately, there is no right-hand-drive equivalent to turning right on red. (Primitives.)

4. You can buy alcohol everywhere. Liquor and lollies are cheap and easy to find.

5. The Weather. I change my clothes six times a day. 'Nuff said.

6. $26.00 a kilo for limes. WTF? I don't want that many limes...

7. There is no such thing as a crosswalk. Or rather, there is ALWAYS such a thing as a crosswalk.

8. The wildlife is oddly loud. And antagonistic.

9. Stupid EFTPOS machines. I spend so much time verifying that I am myself.

10. These people are too energetic for me. I feel like a slug. (I am a slug.)

11. It costs more than God can afford to pay. And that's with a decent exchange rate.

12. My friends are noticeably NOT PRESENT. Three thousand miles, pshh.

13. You can buy beer/wine at the movies. Shocking... (This should go under #4.)

14. Dan Brown is considered good literature.

15. It's called a Cashpoint, not an ATM. I fail.

16. I wear a size 3 shoe.

17. Not enough babies in my life. Except for that one party...

18. I have to convert everything.

19. I am still far away from my boyfriend.

20. Everything needs to be turned on twice. Even my computer.

Dunedin Hills

I haven't got any kind of personal profundity to record here today, except to note that making cookies with Cadbury drinking chocolate is a bad idea. They are too, too, TOO sweet. And I only ate the crumbs. Bleh.

I consider myself settled here on the other side of the world, yet no matter how quickly I've become accustomed to right-hand drive, military time and the addition of 'u's in all my words, (colour, favourite, etc.) this place just doesn't feel like home. Obviously, it feels more like home that the uni does, or Auckland airport, but there is overall a lack of something I can't easily identify. What to call this unnamed quality that haunts me even in sleep... If you think of a name, let me know. I'm stumped.

How is it the end of March? A year ago I had moved back home and was declaring a second major as I considered starting anti-depressants. In a little under a month, I will be celebrating one year with the man who still makes me laugh, smile, sigh and cry. I'm blessed, that's for sure. And he is too, hehe.

I'm definitely not who I used to be, and I'm grateful for that. I'm a lot less awkward, a bit less dramatic, and a nicer person. I'm definitely not jealous of the old me; how unhappy she was, and then how very very happy. (Ok, I might be a teensy bit jealous, but only because reliving the first few weeks of a new relationship would be a nice one-year gift.) So what's with the melancholy?

I've discovered, in the past few years, that I like to think out loud. It helps me solve problems and gives me a chance to hear some of my thoughts out of their mental context. I've also discovered that other people see my problems more clearly than I do. Not exactly rocket science, but it's a baby step.

Sometimes I feel like life is similar to the Dunedin hills: on clear days, you can see past three or four sets of hills and on misty days even the hills right within the central city are hidden from sight.

If that's not profound, then I'm not bored.

Yeah, I have no idea either. But I tried! We all have odd days...
WolfGrrl

Tombstone Tickets

I swear, these Air New Zealand tickets are going on my tombstone. They can fly my dead body to Wellington and back at the end of April, for I'll have committed hara kiri by then.

Let this be a lesson in over-preparing: I booked too soon, let me rue the results.

(I'm making too much out of this, but ugh. I think I'll take the hit on the money and just go with it.)

WolfGrrl

Only Human

I am a pair of eyes that finds wonder in you;
I am a jigsaw of smiles and tears;
I am the soul that glows when you're near
And the hands that would lift every shadow from your face.

I am imperfect, only human -
Often incoherent, often incomprehensible.
I am not magic, but flesh and blood;
I bleed, I cry, and I laugh for you.

I am sorry for being human,
But humanity is what I have to offer;
Humanity and an open mind
And a hesitant heart that loves too fiercely.

I can't promise mountains and rivers of gold
Or perfect happiness in every moment
But I will try -
I'll try and not count the cost.

That's what love is, I guess:
Not counting the cost of words and deeds,
But weighing that cost
As though tomorrow depends on it.

I don't fight with big actions, but small ones;
I struggle too, to find my way.
It's so new, this world we've built
And so terrifyingly fragile.

I don't want to break it.
But I also don't want to break.
After all, I'm
Only human.

I Want To Go Home

I want to go home, but I don't know to which home.

I have a home in the States, with my parents, sister, dog and cat. And I have a home with my boyfriend, whether he's in Wellington, Auckland, or on the moon.

I don't know which home I want, because wherever I am, there I'm not.

While I don't think I'll ever be too old to crawl in my mother's lap and demand a hug, I want to crawl into my boyfriend's arms and have him banish my sadness.

I miss the insane cat and my stuffed animals. I miss my friends at home. I miss my doctors, and the normality of a system that I understand. I miss...my life.

I like it here; I'm not miserable being here. It's just that my ability to self-sustain is cracking, a little.

I want my Max. I want my Mommy.
I can't have either right now, and it sucks.

WG