November Thoughts

There is something in my mind today, rather as there is a taste of winter in the air when I open the window. My dreams were anxious despite what I would describe as a relatively peaceful setting. As I called my boyfriend for our early morning/late night Skype date, my roommate roused herself and left to make an anxious doctor's appointment. My thoughts are on her now, as I sit and write this post in our empty room. I hope your mother isn't driving you insane, sweetie. But she can't help it, you know that. Mothers are...another breed entirely.

It's a funny old world.

Not long now before my boyfriend joins me here; I miss him every day, the kind of ache like an old bruise that you accustom yourself to feeling. It's new for me, finding solace in others. I've always been, for better or for worse, a singular person. How incredibly strange and different it is to ask for - to actively solicit - affection. Help. Love.

I am better with words. I can write reams and reams of words where I hesitate to make a gesture. But I've learned something, in this funny old world. Making gestures gives me more satisfaction that I ever thought it would. I find a deep, humming peace in wrapping my mother or best friend in a hug. I desperately want to be able to put my head on my boyfriend's shoulder.

Don't get me wrong, words are still important to me. But they aren't as cheap as they used to be. When I leave a comment on another's art memorial, I feel the comment. I think I'm beginning to see that gestures and words aren't opposites, as I always assumed, but rather aspects of a greater whole. Ha, that sounds so pretentious. What I mean is, gestures deepen the words on a page. Knowing what a hug feels like adds depth to reading a description of one. Understanding longing and desire makes sympathizing with desirous characters easier.

Time is moving so slowly this morning. We changed our clocks yesterday, much later than we have in the past. I have ten minutes before I need to leave for class, but I woke this morning panicked that I'd missed my roommate's wedding and my class.

I wish I could remember these peaceful, quiet days of introspection when I'm feeling scattered and afraid. Now there's a useful skill. But I am only human, bound to make mistakes, to judge, and to turn my face away.

Oh, one more thing. I have chocolate chip cookies for all my friends.
WolfGrrl