The Things That Still Hurt

Isn't is weird how some things long in the past can still sting like the wounds were fresh?

I'm grateful to be blessed with a rotten memory; as I grow happier in my Now, I tend to forget the cringe-worthy events of my Then. But there are some things no one ever really forgets, and even in my happiest moments these things spring up and surprise me.

Jealousy. Lord, I live for the day when I stop being jealous (my odds are not good on that, but whatever). There are people I'm jealous of for reasons that make my heart hurt. And yet, the sting is there every time I interact with these people.

Grief. I haven't had much experience with grief and grieving, but there are two things that make me sad (and one is most definitely not the film Titanic). Loss is a bit different from Grief, but it follows a similar path. Consequently, there are things I have Lost that I mourn.

Regret. Oh, I have a thousand regrets. Friends I abandoned, relationships I struggled to maintain or end, associations I can't seem to shake.

Shame. Oh yeah. Awkward childhood moments, old views of the world, old views of myself - the list is long. I'm working on not being bitter, but it's a work in progress.

Sometimes I feel that others judge me for being happy. I have a bad track record, admittedly, but I'm frustrated at times because I want others to be happy for me instead of questioning my happiness. It's a novelty for me, remember. I'm still learning how to function in the world of optimism. Don't think that because I've learned to smile and mean it I've forgotten the things that still hurt, the people I've left behind or the memories that haunt me.

I haven't.

WolfGrrl