I don't mean the kind of waffles that can be burned. I mean the verb 'to waffle' or to remain indecisive.
Obviously, the first flaw of my title is that everyone is indecisive. Being abroad has given me a new perspective on myself and how I function; this is excellent news for personal growth, and a bit disquieting for personal security. I'm changing and I'm not sure I can handle it.
Recently, I've been doing some thinking about what I want, what I like, and what makes me happy. School, which for a long time was the main constant in my life, no longer excites or enthralls me. I enjoy attending lectures and absorbing new information, but I have less inclination to do assignments and assessments than ever before.
It's annoying, really, to feel mildly guilty about being a slacker while doing other things that are more fulfilling, like cooking, cleaning (yes, I'm weird) and talking to people. I can't decide if this is my life balancing itself out, or if I'm losing it.
I don't really feel like I'm losing it. I'm happier than I can remember being (waffling aside; maybe that should be my constant. I can't accept stability and contentment without wondering what I'm not doing). I'm sleeping better, eating better, and generally feeling better. I look ahead to the future with anticipatory joy. So why the feelings of mid-education-life crisis?
God only knows. Really. I have a few guesses, a few theories, none of which are coherent enough to be aired in public. Part of my growing-up experience is trying not to judge myself (and others) quite as harshly as I used to. It's working, but with the disadvantage of leaving me without a means of measuring myself. Even unhealthy habits are reassuring; losing them, or changing them, is unsettling.
I don't like to think that I'm prone to giving up. I've seen what I can manage when I stick to my guns. I've also felt regret for missed opportunities. I save those for when I feel pitiful and abused. A good pity-fest usually disgusts me enough to negate those regrets.
Now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, yes, waffling. My boyfriend likes to say that I always have a choice, and in a technical sense, he's right. I could decide not to finish my education and just go ahead and find a job. But, I was raised in a society and a household that value education as security for the future. I don't want to be dependent on anyone, and I do want to be able to have fun without counting every penny. Education gives me options. Every girl needs options.
Ugh. Maybe I have too many options. (Isn't that counter to what I was just saying? Nevermind.)
I guess what feels like waffling is in fact, me growing up. I'm weighing personal happiness and instant gratification against immediate Ehhh-feelings and long-term security. I'm all about security, though less so than I once was. And now I'm also about personal happiness.
There isn't any reason why the two can't be mutually inclusive. Obviously, part of being happy is being secure, and for someone like me, being secure makes me very happy.
Maybe waffling is a good thing; it encourages self-reflection, and that's always a good thing. I like knowing myself better. I like being predictable (only to myself, though. Mystery is an excellent trait to cultivate).
I know what will make me happy in the short-term: finishing this silly history assignment (700 words? Pfff I could write that in my sleep) and some lunch.
Cheers!
WolfGrrl
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