In the Closet

The metaphor of monsters in the closet has been used many times before. But not by me. I don't acknowledge the monsters I consign to the shadows. I don't want to face them, on their terms or mine. I live according to a principle of "Live and Let Live." As in, I let the monsters have at me sometimes, but I keep them at bay otherwise.

Sometimes, however, my monsters leap out at me, wanting more than a brief moment of awareness. They take control. They frighten me. They challenge me. Sometimes I frighten me, or I challenge me. Sometimes I speak truths that have lain hidden for my entire life. And sometimes I swallow lies I've told thousands of times before.

I am my own worst enemy - I've heard this said, and thought this, for years. I make my own path difficult. I make my own life difficult. Not always with the obvious intention of doing so, but with the obvious result. My anorexia was like this. My relationships have usually been like this. It has taken me a long, long time, and a lot of pain, to get to a place where I can let the monsters take control sometimes and open the door to the closet.

In my anthropology class fall semester, we watched a movie called "Trapped in the Closet." It's actually a long rap performed as a film, written and posted on YouTube. I'd never heard of it; the only time I heard metaphors about closets was in the Disney movie Monsters Inc. and references to gay rights. I don't even like rap music.

But this rapper made some valid points - the fact that I remember the movie speaks to that end. I am a private person who likes control: it makes me feel safe, as though I have some ability to predict my future. Though I am no longer consumed by the need to know my future, I do like having the means to influence it, to change it as I wish. There are some things in life, however, which happen. You know this - I've mentioned it before. Choices appear, moments arrive, and there isn't time to waffle around and weigh the pros and cons of each side.

Sometimes the monster jumps out of the closet.

It terrifies me to have this happen...but it's also exhilarating. Freeing. My greatest decisions have been ones which I don't think about, moments where I just jumped and looked on the way down. The monster broke out and I didn't try to stop it. These are moments of What-If. These are moments, oddly enough, of self-respect.

I respect my subconscious mind - the closet where the monsters live. My best choices have come from my subconscious; my best grades; my best friendships. I will never be comfortable throwing open the closet and letting the world look at the mess inside me. But one or two people may see the darkness in my heart. I don't know if those people are lucky or cursed; I'm sure they don't know either. They are special, however. I don't think anyone will disagree with that.

Night,
WolfGrrl