Advice Skills

I wish I was better at giving advice. Part of the reason I feel that I don't contribute as much to others' lives is that I'm not so good at either giving or asking for advice. I don't know if I should work to develop this skill, or not.

As I grow older I realize that everyone has problems. Everyone suffers, some more vocally or publically than others. I am a judgmental person. I don't intend to be; I don't go out into the world with the idea of comparing myself to others. It happens, less so than it used to, but it still happens. That I am working to mitigate. I don't want to derive pleasure from making others seem small, even if the shrinking process is only in my mind.

Maybe one day I'll be able to ask for advice and apply it, rather than just listening to it and then doing what I think is best. As I've said before, my best choices have occurred when I followed my instincts or asked for help.

I also have trouble following my own advice. Most of what I know I've learned through trial and error, aka personal experience. No, I've never caught and killed and eaten a fish (my sister has though). I've never been in an automobile accident, or a personal trauma. I'm ordinary, and moderately functional. Yay me! (Yes, I do celebrate little things.)

A friend of mine from overseas recently came to visit, and she had each of us write some words of advice in a book for her to keep. They could be useful, funny, bizarre, or downright disturbing bits of advice; the point was, it gave her something to connect to us. The idea made me think and now I'd like to try a slightly different version of that.

I know a lot of you don't leave comments (most of you, I believe, read, nod, laugh or frown, and move on with your lives). But if you have a moment, or you find yourself particularly inspired, please leave me a piece of advice in the comments below. I promise to read, keep, and try to apply them to my life!

In the meantime, here are some of mine:

- If you look good, you'll feel OK
- Celebrate the small things
- Always be polite and prompt(ish)
- Write your paper a week before it's due, ignore it for two days, then edit it
- If the guilt outweighs the pleasure, don't do it
- Traffic lights are perverse; you can't win against them so don't try
- Failure is a good motivator
- Driving on the wrong side of the road isn't a good idea
- You'll always make a mistake within the first three attempts
- Ask yourself what kind of person this choice/action would make you
- Have faith (the type is up to you)
- Just keep walking, no matter how cold, dark, or alone you feel
- Look at the stars sometimes
- Go for walks
- Naptime is not just for babies
- Music is good
- Factor in travel time

WolfGrrl

The Great Balancing Act

Life for me is all about choices.

A friend once told me that there are some things you do just so that you can look back on them and say you regretted doing it. I didn't really understand what he meant at the time.

All my life I have made the choice not to act. In any way - healthy, unhealthy, for personal happiness or universal happiness. I just chose not to choose, and so remove myself (as much as it can be done) from the world. But adults don't function this way. And I've found, to my astonishment, that I no longer want to be a child. I have passed, somewhere in the last six months, that subtle marker of adulthood. I have begun, at last, to make choices and take responsibility for myself.

Thus, the balancing act.

It is hard for all of us - me and my parents - to go through this process. I'm sure I'll make a regretable choice somewhere down the line, and have a story, as my friend said. Personally, I am a pleaser: I derive great satisfaction from making others happy. It's only recently (very recently) that I derive pleasure from making myself happy too.

I have a choice to make. It is not the end of the world, but it is a significant choice. I want to make the correct choice...for me, for my family, and for my friends. I want to make the "perfect" choice.

Reader, I'm sure you know by now that there's no such thing as perfection. If perfection is unattainable, perhaps I should seek pleasure instead, and make the choice that pleases. But who should I please? Myself? My parents? My friends? Society? Here, then, is the balancing act of life.

For this choice I must balance the drive for perfection with the drive for pleasure. I believe in and accept the whims of Fate; that doesn't mean I can't help Fate out a bit. The best laid plans are those which are strong enough to support change. In making my choice I must account for all the What-Ifs as well as the sunny sides. That is another balancing act.

My job is to balance all of these things - perfection, pleasure, and Fate - and make choices. Above all, I must choose. I choose to live; I chose to live a while ago, but it is something that must be reaffirmed every day. Living is more than eating and sleeping and breathing. Living is being happy. Living is being miserable. Living is being engaged with the world and those who populate it.

Living is a balancing act.
WolfGrrl

Waiting

I am not usually an impatient person. But sitting in a waiting room - for anything, whether it's something I want to happen or something I dread - brings out my worst tendencies. I am a person who doesn't like to be kept in suspense. For any reason, good or bad.

Right now I'm parked in a very sketchy room somewhere on campus, trying to keep myself entertained. Thus - blog. Let me rant about how much I dislike sitting in a chair too tall for me, so that my feet dangle (even in heels) and fall asleep, instead of focusing on how many butterflies are crawling down my throat into my stomach. Ugh.

I am doing something for a friend. Doing the best that I can, and I hope that counts for something, karma-wise. I know I haven't brought a seraphic attitude to the proceedings today, but I am aggravated. I feel as though several individuals involved took advantage of me and left me reeling from too little (or completely wrong) information. I don't mind offering my help, but I prefer to do so on my terms, and most definitely not under any kind of compulsion. I barely know these people. I owe them basic decency and cooperation, but they have, in some instances, asked far beyond the bounds of acquaintanceship. (Gripe, gripe, gripe.)

Maybe I'll delete this post once I reach the end. Who knows? I can feel my headache coming back, which makes me annoyed with myself. WolfGrrl, remember your maturity. Breathe. Just breathe. I am thinking of something else, something pleasant. White shores, blue skies. Cool breezes. Sunbeams. Shoes. Dogs and cats. Hell, I'll settle for thinking about food, although my stomach is complaining and upset.

Life often involves waiting, and if decisions present themselves at the moment of their choosing, not mine, I can't expect waiting to be any different. I need to learn to wait, not just when I want to, but when I need to. I can tell the same story four hundred, five hundred times to the same engaged little girl. I can read "Give a Mouse a Cookie" thirty-four times in one afternoon. I can climb stairs over and over; I can wash dishes over and over. I can wait. I have been waiting my whole life.

How can you be impatient and patient at once? What is the qualifier of patience? Some days I can stand in line for hours; other days, I can barely tolerate a minute.

Hopefully this post is not too intolerable. Pardon my rant - I am cranky and trying to suppress it. That never seems to go well, but I'm not feeling big enough at the moment to let go of my petty grievances. If I did, I'd have to confront how scared I am.

WolfGrrl

Unique

We want to think that we are unique.
This is what humans prize above all.
Singularity.
Uniqueness.
Having an eating disorder is a sign that an individual feels frightened and marginalized.
I had a difficult time letting go of my eating disorder because I felt it made me unique.
I desperately wanted to be unique because I felt like I wasn't a part of the world.
Nothing about me was "good enough."
For a long time after I began treatment I was mourning the loss of my uniqueness.
But an eating disorder is a common thing.
Many people have one, and it is a disorder because it has universal signs and symptoms.
My eating disorder wasn't unique.
It didn't make me unique.
It made me a part of something.
Realizing that made it easier to let go.
It was easier to let go because I wasn't losing anything.
I am unique.
The disorder - my disorder - is not.