Across the World

I've been slack, but how can one find motivation when the weather is delightful, one's boyfriend is close, and there's a whole new country to explore? I barely use the internet now that I am abroad, but now I shall check in and let those of you who follow me know that I'm alive and busy.

My boyfriend took both these photos; I am not the most competent when it comes to photography. But I shall have to learn, because in two weeks I leave him to attend school 800 kms away. And I just have to document getting into my flat and trying to find my way around a whole new city. 

Ciao! 

WolfGrrl

Many Homes

It's evening here, and the gray winter twilight has crept up to the windows. I'm listening to music from some favourite shows and thinking about tomorrow.

Tomorrow, tomorrow - for so many months now my life has revolved around tomorrow. January fourth is my D-Day, folks. My departure day (yes, I know that's not what it stands for, I'm making an allusion).

What can I say? Part nervous, part hyperactive, part ecstatic, I don't count the hours. I'll be in the US for a good long while yet, but it's still something I can't wrap my head around. Here we all are, everyone being a little nicer than usual, a little sweeter than usual. Here I am, sitting on my butt in the living room, listening to the dog bark while my mother cooks.

It's not that I haven't tried to imagine being absent; it's more that I can't imagine it. (Oh, now the dog's sulking. Cute.) This is home, and I know that it'll always be home. That's the lesson I finally learned about traveling: home stays, but you can make portable ones as needed. I'm going from my first home to my second home; my boyfriend is picking me up in an airport across the world.

Big day and all that, but I thought I'd pop in and leave a little goodbye since I have a) been absent for over a week and b) I will continue to be absent (or at least more absent than usual) for a while yet. Because first there's traveling, then there's settling, and then there's exploring! I'll be so busy, I might not be able to find some internet and a few minutes to write out an update.

Now, now, I did promise that I'd keep up this blog, and that's what I'll do. Got to let the friends at home know that I'm alive.

Happiness and good luck to all of you in the new year!
WolfGrrl

Hobbits

Still in Middle Earth. Be back in...six months.

WG

There is Reason

There is no reason for me to have cried myself to sleep.
There is no reason for me to have nightmares every night.
There is no reason for me to be restless and lonely.
There is every reason for me to be excited.

With Christmas three days away and my departure another ten days after that, I should be happy and lively and full of good cheer. I shouldn't be lonely and frightened and sad.

I told my boyfriend last night that I felt small and scared and sad - the big question is, why?

Not sick, not starving, not alone. Not deprived of food and heat and amusement.
I guess it isn't unusual to be struggling to keep a good mood on when the ones you love are far away. For me, I miss my boyfriend and my best friends a lot right now. I am also missing distractions, like school and stress and sleep.

When you're sick, going to the doctor is soothing (at least for me). When you're well, going to the doctor is irritating and stressful (at least in this house). I have been to the doctor too many times in the last two weeks. I canceled my last appointment out of aggravation. Being calm for them, pleasant for them, cheerful and willing and easy-going is a drain. I didn't realize how much of a drain it was until I hit my low mood yesterday...for no good reason.

Maybe I don't need a 'good' reason to be sad. Maybe I just need to let myself feel the sad, acknowledge it, but not let it take over me. I struggle not to judge myself, even when I can't find another way to cope with the things I feel, say or do. It was very difficult for me to ask my boyfriend to call me because I was lonely. I had a need - a valid need, my therapist would say - and I had to fight myself at every turn just to send him a text. I had to swallow several apologies for being 'demanding.'

Does anyone else feel this way before the holidays? I remember being a child, maybe seven or eight, and deciding that I wasn't going to allow myself to get excited about the holidays because of the disappointment afterwards.

I only just rescinded that order two years ago.
I'm in a bit of a funky mood today, Reader, and I can't offer a reason for it except the rambling thoughts above. Maybe you'll see something in them that strikes a chord with you. Maybe you'll look at one of you relatives and go "Oh, I see now."

Or maybe you'll think I'm whining. I wouldn't want to give that impression, but it could be true. Words are words, after all. They don't come with tone pre-packaged.

Have a safe, happy, cozy holiday - whatever you celebrate.
WolfGrrl

The Countdown

It's that time of year, folks. (Yeah, it's the holiday season, but it's also the countdown until study abroad). I know I've been posting a lot about my imminent departure, so if you're bored just skip this post.

Today is the 18th of December, where we wish a very happy birthday to my saintly mother and buy our Christmas tree. Then in another week it's New Years', and I count down four days more until I leave the country.

To sum up: I'm in the US for another eighteen days.

My days have been a bit slow since school finished, but things will zoom by faster than I can keep track. My eighteen days are full of friendly visits, doctor's appointments, packing, tracking, and counting.

It's difficult to imagine leaving my friends for a semester and not being there for the crises, the tears, the laughter and the inside-jokes. It's difficult to imagine leaving them at all, actually. I love them; I'll miss them. But I'll see them in six months. WOW!

To those I didn't get to say goodbye to: I love you guys. I'll post pictures (here and on Facebook) and write letters and Skype. (Oh Skype, the current bane of my existence.)

Today is day eighteen.
WolfGrrl

Dickensian

Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. 

Charles Dickens

Where Finals Go

What I should be doing right now is studying. Instead, I am trolling through the online syllabi for my current classes to figure out my approximate final grades. Needless to say, I severely underestimated my ability this semester. Even if I should bomb the finals (and I refuse to let that happen, because what happened to my GPA in that scenario made me saaaaaad) I will emerge with decent enough grades.

I have already been told by my advisor that all hopes of a 4.0 flew away my second semester. That's all right. My therapist pointed out that, hey, does it really matter what your GPA is in the real world? Obviously, one would like to have a good record for future employers, but it's entirely unnecessary to spend your entire life slaving away at school. There are so many good things that I've done this year that aren't school related; so many relationships I've grown or nurtured. I have made great strides in my personal epiphanies. I am healthy, mentally and physically. I am going abroad (OMG, OMG, OMG).

So, I say "whatever" to my academics at the moment. I will study for my finals; I will take them as seriously as I always do. I will bemoan stupid mistakes and gloat over easy triumphs. And then I will forget it all, and focus on what lies ahead. Even if what lies ahead are the rather dismal chores of vacuuming the corners of my room and compiling lists of what to do before I leave.

It's a good day. I must not be 'doing' finals' week correctly if I can find happiness and amusement where my peers find despair and gallows humor.

Meh. It's a good day (for me). Here's my secret: Blow it off when you feel despair. At that point, there's nothing you can do anyway.

Cheers!
WolfGrrl