There is Reason

There is no reason for me to have cried myself to sleep.
There is no reason for me to have nightmares every night.
There is no reason for me to be restless and lonely.
There is every reason for me to be excited.

With Christmas three days away and my departure another ten days after that, I should be happy and lively and full of good cheer. I shouldn't be lonely and frightened and sad.

I told my boyfriend last night that I felt small and scared and sad - the big question is, why?

Not sick, not starving, not alone. Not deprived of food and heat and amusement.
I guess it isn't unusual to be struggling to keep a good mood on when the ones you love are far away. For me, I miss my boyfriend and my best friends a lot right now. I am also missing distractions, like school and stress and sleep.

When you're sick, going to the doctor is soothing (at least for me). When you're well, going to the doctor is irritating and stressful (at least in this house). I have been to the doctor too many times in the last two weeks. I canceled my last appointment out of aggravation. Being calm for them, pleasant for them, cheerful and willing and easy-going is a drain. I didn't realize how much of a drain it was until I hit my low mood yesterday...for no good reason.

Maybe I don't need a 'good' reason to be sad. Maybe I just need to let myself feel the sad, acknowledge it, but not let it take over me. I struggle not to judge myself, even when I can't find another way to cope with the things I feel, say or do. It was very difficult for me to ask my boyfriend to call me because I was lonely. I had a need - a valid need, my therapist would say - and I had to fight myself at every turn just to send him a text. I had to swallow several apologies for being 'demanding.'

Does anyone else feel this way before the holidays? I remember being a child, maybe seven or eight, and deciding that I wasn't going to allow myself to get excited about the holidays because of the disappointment afterwards.

I only just rescinded that order two years ago.
I'm in a bit of a funky mood today, Reader, and I can't offer a reason for it except the rambling thoughts above. Maybe you'll see something in them that strikes a chord with you. Maybe you'll look at one of you relatives and go "Oh, I see now."

Or maybe you'll think I'm whining. I wouldn't want to give that impression, but it could be true. Words are words, after all. They don't come with tone pre-packaged.

Have a safe, happy, cozy holiday - whatever you celebrate.
WolfGrrl