Cracked

It's been a long time since I posted anything - and I haven't any reason for my silence.

Tomorrow is my last first day of school, and it's a terror and a relief. I don't know what to feel except sadness. I have my share of regrets, but they pass like the afternoon thunderstorms. I'm very tired, although I slept for the past twenty-four hours. I'm not...waiting, per se, but I am restless. Lonely.

I have made my choices this summer. I have brought about some endings and accepted those I cannot change. I have sought solace where I can find it, and tried to be the best person I can be. It doesn't ever feel like enough, but there is no going back. I can say that, and mean it. There is no reason to go backwards and every reason to go forward.

This year will be my year. It is my last year, in a way, of childhood and protection. I'm so grateful for the way we structure life here in America - it means I can adjust, little by little, to adulthood. But, it also means that the end must come, and it has. Senior year of high school was the best and worst of my life up until then. I've been through a lot since that year, overcome obstacles and experienced miracles. 

I'm still lonely. But I know it isn't permanent. I'm still frightened, but I'm sick of being frightened. I'm strong. I'll meet these endings with my head held high and my chin raised. I refuse to be broken. Not even a little. Cracked, maybe. Broken, never.

Salut
WG

The Conumdrum

Well, it is a Sunday night. College students have the benefit of not dreading Sundays (unless one has an 8 AM class, in which case life is sad, move on). But, I have not been as productive as I would like today and my stomach has decided to torture me.

My conundrum is as follows: take heed of my wailing stomach and achy head and let the reading go for tonight, or struggle on (wo)manfully and attend to my obligations? I did get an unexpected nap earlier on...and I did eat too much, once again. Sighhhh.

At least I talked to my boyfriend. Poor thing, he gets neglected when my life becomes crazy. Anyway, there's not much going on in my head. Thoughts and prayers for my roommate are appreciated; she got some unexpected and frightening news this weekend while I was away. And let's all look forward (those of us who know why will agree) to next week.

I am pretty tired. It's not as if I ran a 50K race or swam the English Channel. Then again, I have disgested enough information about aviation history to tide me over for a week or so. Ugh. I can say with great assurance that I do not want to work in a field related to either historical analysis or ecological theory.

Night
WolfGrrl

Failure

I feel like a failure today.
This isn't unusual, but it is sad. Heavy. I'm struggling against my inclination towards self-pity; I know it's useless and not productive, but that's how I feel. I never know what feelings I should deny, or if I should deny any of them. All of them.

I wrote a riddle today.
"What do you get when you cross arrogrance with low self-esteem? Give up? Me too."
You get, as of right now, me.

Reader, I am a writer. I know, it seems obvious, but sometimes I have to remind myself that this is the case. I wish I could write solely for myself; when I do, it's unquestionably my best work. But I cannot always write just for myself; the looming prospect of my readership prevents me from wallowing in the story as I did when I was eleven years old and at the beginning. I am a pleaser, which means that even in this one activity I should (and have on occasion) performed only for me, I try to please the un-pleasable audience of my imagination.

It doesn't work, and yet I'm stuck with it, because for some reason I have...blocked myself from changing my ways. My life changed significantly two years ago. I'm still reaping the consequences of that change. I wish...but what's the point in wishing? Wishes are useless.

WolfGrrl