The Land of Decisions

I suppose I should announce here that I wasn't able to spell 'decision' until about two years ago. Pitiful, yes, for someone who uses it as often as I do. But then again, there are many words I use on a regular basis which I have neither the ability to pronounce nor spell. As Alcott said: "She has read too much, and it has addled her brain."

The point of this post, I suppose, is to apologize for my extreme tardiness in keeping up with this blog. Last semester I made the choice to focus on my relationships (since it seems I can only do one thing with any degree of success), and in that field I was very successful. Now, however, I have made the choice to prioritize my classes (and my mental health) first, and my long-suffering boyfriend and other friends are feeling the pinch.

I am an all-or-nothing kind of person. I don't view this as a bad thing, but it does frustrate me sometimes when others demand I be more than I am. As I never cease having to inform people, I came to college to learn, not to have a social life. A social life is important, don't get me wrong, but it's not the main reason I am here, learning German and trying to find a writing mentor, turtoring others in essay writing and planning my trip abroad next spring. I am not a person who places much value on interpersonal relationships. I need them (otherwise, it's the Land of Insanity for me) but relationships are, in my view, more work than reward.

I wish I knew how to describe it so you can understand, reader. I am willing to give 200% of myself to whatever I have prioritized; when this is a relationship, I am a conscientious and constant friend. But I can't maintain such a high level of involvement without feeling the strain; being constantly on is exhausting and damaging for me. I have no filters that prevent me from burnout, which is why I risk being alone and isolated. I love my boyfriend, and to date he's one of the few people I know who can approach me when I am nuclear-cranky and calm me down. He deserves so much more than I am able (or willing) to give right now, and for that I'm sorry. But I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not: I am this person, for better or for worse. Once you capture my attention it is yours beyond any doubt or delay; I forgive everything. I will even forgive what is, for me, a cardinal sin: a breech of trust. I think this is a little frightening, for myself and others, but this is me. I'm frightening. Hrmm.

We all inhabit the Land of Decisions, because there's really no way to live one's life without making decisions. I have decided to prioritize my schoolwork this semester; I have decided to work two jobs over the summer; I have decided to go to New Zealand for my study abroad (more on that elsewhere). All these decisions are mine to make, but that means I must find a way to balance the inevitable fallout - others call it the consequences. Life is a little like playing that game Pick-up Sticks, where moving one stick causes four or five others to wobble or fall. One choice, spurrious or well-researched, and everything shifts. There are no meaningless choices, which means that, for someone who has an addictive, obsessive, planning personality, the world is full of upheaval.

Mitigation is what saves me. My lack of self-imposed boundaries is a destructive and dangerous tendency I am working hard to mitigate. Mitigation, prioritization, and organization. These are the tools which allow me to function in the Land of Decisions aka Life.

Geez, introspection is a butt.
WolfGrrl